After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
