i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
