I'm sorry my penis didn't work
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
