the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
