I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
