My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
