I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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