mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
