One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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