He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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