That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
