So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
