don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have post one night stand depression
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
