nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
