Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
