i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
