Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
