and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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