so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
