I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
