We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
