Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
