I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
