grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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