why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
