Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
