got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
