Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
