Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
