Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
where are my eyebrows?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
