Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
