So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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