You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
