Where is the hickey?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
