Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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