Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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