She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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