How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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