Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
