just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
