I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
