I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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