4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
