so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Every concussion has its silver lining
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
