Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
