it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
