I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize