I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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