our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
