I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
