i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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