I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
