When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
