I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize