Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
