gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
