Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
