put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
