It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
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The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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